Tag Archives: Weddings

A Realistic Wedding Announcement | Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

Hey Sweetheart We Get Rewrites

A Realistic Wedding Announcement

Posted by justingawel on June 28, 2013

The text on yellow says "Speed bump"

Dr. Henry Walker, a disgraced former pharmacist, is to be married to the apparent fourth love of his life, Jessica McMillan, on September 7th of this year in a private ceremony that several of his family members are protesting. Like any couple, they’ve had their speed bumps down the road of love; between Walker’s distaste for face tattoos, McMillan’s struggles with passing the GED, and, of course, Walker’s now-ex-wife, Tracy.

It wasn’t the easiest storm to weather, but with indifferent affection as one’s sail Walker and McMillan endured the rough seas and whipping winds of divorce court, losing one’s license to practice medicine, and being forced out of several homes. People may call it chance, others might think of it as fate, and even some would call it God’s work.

It all began that momentous Wednesday evening in December of 2012 when passions coincided, the universe stood still, and romance took the wheel. While closing up the hospital pharmacy, Walker was dreading sitting through another one of his eight-year-old son’s karate lessons since Tracy’s incessant nagging would be forcefully penetrating his unconsenting ears the entire time.


Like all of his nights, he realized it would be another blur of complaining and gin that would predictably end with him miraculously becoming even more physically unattracted to the overly ample, pendulous flesh of his then wife. Meanwhile, at the hospital’s coffee shop, McMillan was stuck on a four-syllable word in an Us Weekly article while pondering how she could get Oxycodone for the night now that her ex-boyfriend-turned-drug-dealer or was it the other way around was in custody.

From Day One, she was always the brash, outspoken one of the couple. Just before closing up she approached the pharmacy counter and asked him out on a date. A date to his car. A date to his car where they would wriggle parts of each other’s bodies into other parts of each other’s bodies resulting in physical gratification, and in her receiving the sum of four Oxycodone pills. Walker couldn’t say no to those big, blue bloodshot eyes. He was melting right there, but likely just from desperation to orgasm into something that wasn’t his hairy knuckles, his frumpy wife, or his old, “repurposed” baseball socks for the first time in a blue moon.

Oxycodone varieties

And so this fairy-tale has continued for the last seven months; a relationship based on a pure exchange of sexual favors for pills lined with the threat of blackmail—truly the strongest known foundation—has blossomed into the two arranging to be wed in holy matrimony.

much more at A Realistic Wedding Announcement | Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby.

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