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Welcome to a New Friend: static on the sun

Hear you me

One day I decided to stop talking
No one would miss it, I knew
Who would miss my humor, forced, failed
Who would miss my know-it-all attitude
A shot at making intelligence a notable quality
Who would miss my awkward commentary
Nobody, I knew
That was only hilarious to me
My small child self was already aware
Dangerously awake
To the sentiments of others around me
Better with my mouth closed
But I would do something instead
I would listen
I would open my heart
I would cloak the broken with my soul
Allowing them to lay their burdens upon me
Only speaking when I had something so good to say
It was a good idea
They would respect my work
They would learn to love me

Yet
Years go on and now
My quiet observance made me boring
My calculated remarks made me awkward
My un calculated ones, a fool
So unpracticed
My nervous presence brought nothing to the table

Lose lose
I should have never believed them
That small child knew no better
Poor thing

I’d changed into a nothing

Or so I thought

static on the sun.

An Open Letter to a Closed Person

I wrote my college entry essay about you. 500 words, I had written about seeing you curled up on the floor, drunk, night after night; about hearing my parents shuffling around to care for you after you’d come stumbling through our front door. 500 words telling a stranger behind a desk how you were my hero. You were funny and smart. I knew you had it in you to be a successful being. You had come such a long way, I wrote. You had reached your one year of sobriety, and called me on the 10th step of your program to apologize for hurting me. I was so proud of you, because I loved you and wanted so much for you to get better. I realize now that the phone call was not something you felt within your heart that you wanted to do, but something you needed to do to complete a formula. The Y of your x+y = z. I got into college based on a falsehood.

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