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Welcome to a new friend: 100 Interviews | An exploratory blog on the employment war

#95 Unbounce: HR Consultant

unbounce-about-sholeh-atashAh, Unbounce. A fresh faced tech company being dominated by a bunch of extroverts. Sounds like the worst case scenario for every introvert I know. Unbounce is located in Gastown, Vancouver in a lovely building, with many lovely people. The downside? They have an Operations Manager that is the epitome of Mean Girls, not too mention a few tomatoes short of a salad. Enter: COO, who is great by the way, easy going, up front, politically correct with a great sense of humor, and overall- the professional ideal for the young startups trying to attract top talent. WTG. On the other note, the Manager has Lion King on her desktop, not as in “I’m a fan of Lion King”, more as in, -let me flash you my Macbook mid interview to show you how cute Simba is, giggle giggle- wait, aren’t you like 45? WTF? This doesn’t make you young, it makes you stupid. But whatever, I’m a nice person, I have a lot of fucks to give, and therefore will indulge said manager…. Cut to: Interview Room. The OM plays cool for most of the interview, that is until the COO has to excuse himself for another meeting he is about to run late for. I shake his hand, we go our own ways. I’m left with the OM, who quite literally turned into a vicious cat monster. She starts telling me how she is the “Angel of the Office” “Everybody loves me” and I kid you not, she rants about her looks, her intellect, her education, her position, how important she is, how much everyone loves her, how she is always rescuing the CEO and the COO, what would they do without her? Her position as a saint in the office cannot be matched, and this is why she thinks there is not a place for me there. Not to mention, she goes on about her people, she’s Iranian and thinks she’s the only coloured person in the interview because I am visibly white- she never asked me if I was part Arab (which I am), and believe me, I don’t take shit from my own people. HAHA, seriously? You’re going all Mean Girls on me because you have a vanity and self confidence complex? Oh please, knock yourself out. Because when your superiors actually find out how you’ve been undermining them to candidates and have been running down the young people in the company behind their backs, I don’t want to be there when that ship sinks. Oh boy. But wait, I’m a young person, right? There is Karma, right? Well, I think it is my social and ethical responsibility to ensure that Karma comes back, just the way a young, inept person would do it. Therefore: Sholeh Atash consider yourself tagged as the most selfish, immature, self-destructive individual who looks down on introverts and successful people. #SholehAtashStupid . I hereby sign this post from the HR gal and Karma herself. You’ve been made. Unbounce, do me a favor, hire great people for this position first, and forgo the rest till you get the problems figured out. Hire an HR firm to do some work for you so you have an outside opinion.

Update: Unbounce has decided not to continue with the HR hiring…….? Hmmmmm I wonder why the position fell through……. Instead they are hiring Sholeh an assistant. I guess it is kind of hard for her to nail herself to a cross every week, you need help for those things.

#96 Richmond Open Road: HR Coordinator

Richmond Open Road Auto GroupAh, Car Lots. The home of the greasy salesman who uses so much brylcreem you can feel your hard earned dollar bills sliding out of your wallet the moment you walk through the door. The Automobile industry is a dangerous place. With all that hairspray, hair gel, cologne, and chrome suits, it’s amazing one doesn’t slip on the prestige of scum on the way to the front desk. No wonder there’s always carpets laid down in these places… I was met with stares and gazes of fierce wild animal kingdom competition. In walks a buxom blonde who’s bust button was looked to be trying to leap from between her breasts and likely fling into my eye, or forehead if I was lucky. After some catty remarks and a couple hip shakes I reassured her I was there for an HR position, not a sales position. She tossed her hair, turned around and I’m guessing either mouthed something or made a facial expression, but whatever it was, it put the rest of the crowd at ease of my appearance. They simmered down… After waiting 15 minutes I was introduced to the HR Manager when upon sitting down in an office upstairs she said, “You’re just so young.” Really? That’s what you have to say? “I’m just so young”? As opposed to what, “You’re just so old”? What does that even mean. Granted I look a little young for my age, however I attribute that to fact that I don’t drug or alcohol, no parties, never got into that scene. She couldn’t shut up about it through the whole interview. I eventually interrupted her and told her that this seems like something that was bothering her and maybe we should go our own ways on a friendly note. She was shocked as hell, but I felt like telling her she was immature and above all, inappropriate for bringing it up.  Her questions were also that of, “Really? Your were the HR Manager previously at this agency??” With utter disbelief. *rolls eyes*. No, I just make up random shit on my resume to see if I can get away with it, what do you think? Of course I was the Manager there. For the sake of pudding, geez. We did end on a good note as I politely excused myself and she shook my hand and escorted me out. The wild kingdom resumed their merciless gaze upon me heels as I left. Never. Again.

#97 Securiguard Services: Ops Coordinator

Parking-BannerWell this entire process was interesting to say the least. Lets start with the online psych evaluation. Riddled with all the questions to do with morals vs science you could imagine dumbed down in the most simple of formatting. I’m not sure whether to be insulted or happy I made it through the initial online testing. To my surprise I received an email at nearly 1am from HR requesting I come in for an interview. Wow, these people don’t sleep! Ok, fair enough, it’s a job for me! So I replied and the interview was set up bright and early at 7am. I met with HR in the lobby where I was escorted up an elevator and into their office. HR was polite, straight forward, and to the point. I was told it was the “People and Culture Assessment”. Which to me, always sounds laughable and hilarious because I am formally trained by the Federal Government in assessment and profiling, so when people start throwing those words around, I can’t help but snort a little. Congratulations, you took Psych 101. Well, it seemed like a positive review and I was escorted out again with a very firm handshake. Got a call not too much longer later to come in and meet with the Regional Director and the Ops Manager. Enter: bitter overworked cop of 30 years who enjoys playing tough guy and gets his rocks off by getting a rise out of people -uber control freak-, and loud mouthed blubbering sweaty carrot top -with horrible sock apparel-. These guys make quite the team. They’re overworked, underpaid, and have serious control problems. Even in the interview they got into an argument between themselves about the meaning of a question. No, no. I reassure you, this was not some clever ruse to tell if I was the sort of person who was a good mediator or had good boundaries. These guys just had it out like two petty school girls fighting over the last XS knit camisole at Victoria’s Secret. Well slap me in a lace thong and call me an angel, because these boys couldn’t care less what was going on around them, they were way too into themselves and their little kerfuffle. Then I got a lecture from the former cop about communication and something about he would always rather I raise my hand if I had a questions as opposed to asking someone else. Whatever. It’s an interview, I don’t want to know you’re entire teaching ethic, thanks bud. Well you can imagine my response, a little mixed and confused. It’s funny because they have their slogan and ethic, as posted above, “We Do What We Say” which in the interview with people arguing among themselves…. Ummmm…. yeah, I’m already sensing a little illusive work ethic here…..

#98 M1 Innovations: HR Admin -Policy

ft_interview_mainOk, so admittedly I lied on my resume for this job and withheld a lot of my experience. I replaced words like manage for supervise, cut the budgets I had managed into about 1/3, and finally I withheld some of my (ahem* most of my) education. Oh, go call the HR police and sue me. Some of us just want a good job and are sick of the employment fight. So naturally, I got a call for the interview. I went in for the interview and as fast as I walked into the office, I nearly walked back out. The front office reception was equipped with two juvenile employees. Not as in “young”, but as in just out right immature. One was laughing and pointing with the TV blasted over the loud sound of the hipster radio, watching the Jimmy Fallon Late Night Special. The other was busy hammering away at the keyboard with snide remarks and a kick of the heel to the desk every now and then. I waited 15 minutes, as they were running behind. And no kidding, because apparently this was the type of company that interviews EVERYBODY and their dog. There were six people and counting in the wait room with me, all lined up, looking for work, and ready to go. I looked next to me and saw a very attractive woman who undoubtedly lied on her resume too. She was way too mature and polished, but I couldn’t blame her. We chatted briefly and she was called in for her interview and I wished her luck. I was called after she had come out 10 minutes later. My interview I imagine was much the same. Some guy in a flashy suit and bad tie interviewed me and his first question was, “Tell me a little about yourself.” Are you kidding? ‘Tell me a little about yourself?’ What are we, going on Oprah? Who the hell are you, my therapist? What the hell kind of question is “Tell me a little about yourself”? Oh I see, we’re gonna be fuckin’ BFF’s. Well in that case, I’m a Taurus, my favorite colour is red, my first pet was a puppy named Shep, and I enjoy star gazing on the beach and waiting for the sunrise. But as foolish as his question was, I somehow doubted this was what he was talking about. So I played ball and engaged appropriately. Then he proceeded to tell me all about sales. sales. sales. sales. How important sales people are, how everyone wants to be in sales, how working in sales is the most prestigious job and most sought after. Oh murder a kitten why don’t you. Sales is no longer “trendy” it was at one point, particularly in the 1980′s, however once all those reports were released on deception and slimy sales people, the popularity went down. IT, Events, and Social Media is where it’s at today. Anyways, the interview felt like a K1 application and I was relieved when it ended. “We’ll call you.” He said. I turned off my phone.

Update: the position is still open over a month later.

#99 Purdy’s Chocolates: HR Trainer

Purdy's 002One of the better interviews I have had was at Purdy’s Chocolates for an HR Trainer position. I met with 2 lovely ladies, business savvy and no doubt, shrewd business women: VP HR, Senior Ops. The best part of my interview is that we met at one of the factory locations and everything smelled like a chocolate dream. I walked along a cute little cobblestone path to the entrance of the building, rang a doorbell to a little wooden door, and was met by name by the VP HR. She directed me through a set of doors into another room where I met her colleague. We sat for approximately 50 minutes in interview, and they were refreshingly honest with me- they had just wished I had more manufacturing experience. Thank you for your honesty! You’re aces in my books! But they told me they would still contact me later. Ok, sounds good. I assumed they were ultimately just being polite, however a month later, they did phone and told me it was a tough decision between myself who had all the policy and training experience they had hoped for and between another candidate who had over ten years of manufacturing experience and training. The went with the other. Oh darn! Well, I was still quite happy that they called and I wasn’t just a random candidate with a check or x by my name. Purdy’s, I will continue to buy your chocolates!

#100 – iData Research: HR Manager

photodune-648788-happy-and-successful-executive-mI had an interview with iData Research in downtown Vancouver for the position of HR Manager. They are in a prime location around the 700 block of West Broadway on the ocean. Not too shabby. I arrive at the location on a very hot day dressed in my business attire. Old white leather chairs that were once a thing, looking a raggedy, sit in the foyer. The office is half assed divided, with no walls, but cubicles dividing the foyer from the rest of the office. Ok, so they’re on a budget, aren’t we all? Fair enough. I end up waiting nearly a half hour because the original hiring manager has been replaced by guess who…. the CEO. The CEO will be interviewing me. Okey dokes. After I first arrive I find it difficult to sit down immediately as my stomach has butterflies and the heat from outside has been killing me and I need some time to adjust to the A/C inside. Well so much for that as the receptionist barks at me, and orders me to sit. You’ve got to be kidding? I don’t care who you are, no one barks orders at me unless it’s one of two things 1)dependant on a business merger or high profile account 2) an emergency. Go fuck yourself, cuz sweetie, bitch’s be crazy, and this shit ain’t happening. I politely smile at her and explain I’m feeling a bit humid, but thanks for letting me know I can make myself comfortable. She repeats, and I feign interest in a magazine and stand and read for 5-10minutes to try and center my nerves. 20 minutes later the CEO fetches me and we meet in his office. Typical CEO office, he has pictures of his family around. One particularly large gold framed photo of his son, a small silver frame about 1/3 the size of the gold from of his daughter, and a family photo with his wife. He’s nice enough, polite, good etiquette. Then he tells me that they’re happy to move to Stage 2 of the interview if I could wait about another 5 minutes he would send in the Operations Manager to meet with me. Ok, sounds good. Then, back into the office he comes and suggests another meeting room. So I head into another meeting room and wait for the Ops Manager. Aprox 5 minutes later, enter in a wiry woman with wild curly hair who closes the door and flashes a ridiculously toothy grin, shakes my hand, and sits down across from me. She begins to interview me as per second stage, typical. Mid way, she interrupts me to proceed to tell me all about herself, all the hard work she has done, how long it has taken her to get where she is, and so on and so forth. It ended up taking up the rest of the interview time. When we finished she shook my hand, smiled, and all of sudden said, “Well aren’t you just so pretty and smart” in such a tone it would make Dame Edna cuss. All I could think was, “You fucking bitch. Don’t you project your shit on me.” And I knew she wouldn’t give me the job. And somehow, I was very much ok with that.

100 Interviews | An exploratory blog on the employment war.

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One response

  1. Reblogged this on Hey Sweetheart, Get Me Rewrite! and commented:

    I love this girl. Fresh insights on the horrors of hiring.

    Like

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